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Honor.
This is a word
that people kill and die for on a usual basis. This is also a word,
unlike other words, that sometimes can be worth sacrificing for. What
is my main problem with Honor? That American Christians seem to
completely lack it.
I've lived over 20 towns now. Ive prayed
in every type of Christian Sect's church (except the cults), Ive also
experienced living at a Christian College among other youthful
Christian Church-grown kids.... and you know what I have found? That
American Christian parents seem to have completely forgotten to teach
thier children a damned thing about the word Honor. This is a travesty. This is ... for lack of a better term... Dishonorable.
Yes, you can quote the bible, thats swell, but can you save a soul with
words? We're told we can. But what of those who are so far in the
darkness that your average home-grown youth group kid would be
swallowed whole just going near such lack of light. Ive been told
thats where I come in, but I refuse to believe that. Yes, I seem to be
able to wallow in sin and evil and come out still being my Irish self,
but any of you should be able to as well. The reason these kids are so
easily tainted and fear the darkness so much is that they have no
honor. They never learned anything about it you see. I make it
through every time becuase when I am standing amongst that which I know
can corrupt me, I simply keep walking forward. I do not fear, I do not
hesitate, I simply march myself straight into the gates of hades when
needed. Becuase I believe God will protect me? Not in this case... I
just happen to know that my honor cannot be so easily diminished. I
walk the darkened cooridors and breathe in that intoxicatingly sweet
sinful air and stand firm because my honor demands no less. My honor
demands no defeats, no retreats, no mercy. I fear things much more full
of malice than simple sinful corruptions... but the Christian youth I
have been confronted with in my life seem to fear everything.
Sexuality, otherwordly ideas, moderated lifestyles, LIFE in general...
these kids seem to fear it.
Sexuality I can go ahead and give you advice on right now: Treat it like Fire.
It is meant to be used, it is supposed to be a part of your life... but
do not fear it, for misunderstanding it not only risk being burned, it
risks being consumed.
Example of some of what Ive said about "Honor"? Sure, why not.
As this is the first part of my restoration of my own soul, typed into
textual form for you to see, I should really get to the heart of the
matter: My soul is healed, and a good part of that is realizing my
honor is restored.
A certain someone who hurt me very badly,
then lied about me to her family and my freinds, is now in the
hospital... severely hurt, possibly permanently damaged from an
accident. Did I think "Oh good, a bad thing happened to a cruel person"?
No. I did not. I didnt know what to feel at first, but
without hesitation I prayed for her..... her which I have EVERY
right to hate (in human terms). I have every right to simply say I do
not care and ignore this girl's pain and after the hurting she put me
through (on purpose), I have every right to enjoy knowing she is in
pain.... but I do not. I prayed for her.
I prayed for her
and in that moment a word slipped from my lips, barely audible through
the breath I was breathing. It was like breathing out al the toxins
that would poison my body in one exhalation. The word? "Honor".
In praying, in caring deeply, for someone who put me through so much
pain, so many tear-filled nights... so many lies even to this day....
to pray and truly mean well for that person, I was touched by something
I havnt felt in a long time... and I muttered the word "honor"... and
knew that my honor was restored.
Ive done a lot lately in
trying to rebuild what could count as a "life" worth living and I find
it completely infuriating and yet appropriate that the act that
restored my honor wasnt some glorious battle, but a silent prayer. One
of life's many vast ironies, but if things turned out like we expected..... we'd all be happy wouldnt we?
Think on that one, and next time I'll dive a little deeper into the
issues that have led me to restore not just my heart, but my shattered
soul as well.
Spread your rumors, tell your vile slanderous
words to whomever you please. I am more than words can label, I mean
more than lies can destroy. Im standing. You cant take that from
me... and that is all I need to live a life worth living. ... and this life I have now? It was worth dying for. (Another thing for you kids to ponder about)
PS: Nudity is a healthy lifestyle. You should get naked and rejoice in
the wonderously interesting body which your soul was bonded to upon
your creation. You'll only get one, and no matter what you may think
about it, it is beautiful.
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I wont make this too long, so here goes:
I am no longer moving to Greenville. Ever.
I once had a dream, and I fought for it. I got a job making 10$ an
hour and even took extra work at 20$ an hour for it. That dream,
despite my constant fighting, despite my prayers, despite my love, is
over. I woke up and saw a darker world than I realized when I was
jaded by hope.
Quit thinking this is an emo post, this is a post of spiritual liberation.
You'd probably be happy to know that I finally pulled myself out of my
depression and climbed, clawed, scratched and literally fought my way
out of that soaked coffin deep down in that grave. At first it felt
hopeless from the inside of the coffin, frustrated and having panic
attacks in my tight living space of that dank and humid coffin. The
very air seemed intent on suffocating me. I scratched off my
fingernails clawing at that coffin, I left blood stained finger marks
all over the splintered wood, but I finally found a weak spot, and with
all I had left in me, I punched through.
I had more left
though. I felt water trickle down onto my forehead and eyes from the
hole I had punched into the wood above me. Somewhere up there was
freedom. Like was the way when I was a track runner for people who
depended on me, I found more strength despite having none. I dug up,
feeling rainwater drip down on me from the soil above, roots hindered
me as I clawed my way up, knowing patience was key but feeling ready to
explode at the anticipation of escape.
Then my hand broke the soil... I felt the rain cleanse the mud and roots off my hand. It felt cold, it felt real.
I pulled hard, I had so little left, another hand goes up. I break my
wrists, sprain an elbow, but my face... I can feel the rain... its
washing the mud from my eyes and mouth. I breathe the cold air, it
cleanses every cell in my lungs. I cant open my eyes yet, but I can
imagine that Id be able to see my breath if I could. I pull harder,
kick wildly with my legs, victory at hand.
I am on the
ground, I cry. I feel the rain wash it all away, but I am not finished
yet. Im exhausted, but one final symbolic act must be achieved. I
force my battered and bloody legs to stand up, I wobble, I stutter, but
I stand. I look at that big chunky headstone in the rain, my name
tauntingly etched on it with uncaring hands using an unworthy chisel.
I think to myself "This cannot be MY grave! I'm Jeremiah Fucking McCarty,
they got my name all wrong!" I look at this etiface to my defeat and I
smile at it. Then I thrust with all I have, slam my body into it, I
knock it to the ground, I stomp it into the mud and rain. Then I lie
there. I weep.... and I smile.
Its finally over.
No sooner did I pull out of the terror that I was living did I start
making changes. I smiled, I prayed, I hoped. But then suddenly there
was a girl.
Sure, I dont know what will come of it, if we'll
ever be more than freinds, but when we hold eachother, it feels more
real than anything Ive felt in a long time. She isnt using me, Im not
using her, and there is nothing but truth between us.
Im
also getting another job, that pays about 14$ an hour and allows me a
paramilitary license to play with assault rifles. I'll be using this
position to reclaim my goal, my dream, of getting my Masters Degree and
maybe even my PhD someday. Simply put: Im me again, and I'm fighting
again.
Didnt I say this wasnt going to be long? I'll have to work on that.
Im sorry Greenville freinds, but I am no longer held by that place's
gravitational pull. Ive been a freebird my entire life, and this bird
you'll never change. I lost a best freind who wont believe a word I
say or even answer a message, another freind who wont talk about the
issues, and no jobs that pay as good as what I have now. Im staying
here and using it for what its worth, and moving on when I know what I
want. Goodbye Greenville... you no longer are my dream, nor the tug I
feel at my heart when I cry. You were a good dream... but it ended in
nightmare and I no longer care.
I love you guys if you're reading this. Do good, I'll be there for you when you need me. Always. I promise.
Im making my own fate guys, I'll see you when I get there. And to the
girl that made me smile this weekend: *Kiss*, thank you for cleaning
out my eyes, I can see again, and I thank you for that.
~Miah | | |
| .. Thats how it happens livin' life by the drop."
Hey LJ. I
know I know, Its been a long time since I have graced my ever spicy
presence here for your indulgent Irishman-loving needs. I promised I
wouldnt get emo again, then had a frivolous couple of weeks fighting
off the ever frosty tendrils of ice protruding down into my heart from
all that has happened. So, I decided I wouldnt post in LJ until my
disdain of all things Emo returned to my storm-weathered Heart.
How
are you doing? No, really... If you are freaking reading this,
freaking tell me how you're freaking doing in a freaking comment. Note
the lack of cussing in that sentence. Thats the kind of nice and
freindly Jer I am under this gruff seemingly impenatrable hard
exterior.
Here are some updates on me life:
- Saw Adam
off again for what will be his second excursion to the sandtrap we like
to call the Iraqi War. He's gotta go back another year and he left
home to report back today. Major bummer, as Im sure Bill and Ted would
say.
- Started working for Tony (Adam's brother) for 10$ an hour
helping out with his Landscaping company. Its a temporary gig, and
I'll be working my arse right off for roughly 10 hour days, but it
should give me the money I need to move to Greenville.
- On a
whim I took off to Aurora to see Talia. She was sad, I had the money
to make it there and back and with my new job I can replenish that
money, she's 2 hours away... so I went to cheer her up. And that was
basically turning a frown upside down.
- I started going to a
bible study.... yeeeah. Jer the Druidic Christian going to something
like that?! WTF? I know, Im wondering the same thing. Funny part?
They actually seem to like my presence there, they kept asking me to
tell them more stuff I knew about along the lines of politics and
religion and historical usage of religious power in political and
societal environments. Christians actually wanting to hear what I have
to say about Politics and Seperation of Church and State?! Oh my word,
I do believe Christianity may have just redeeemed itself a little bit
here. Im goinb back again tuesday in fact.
That more or less sums up me life thar kiddies. When was
International Talk Like a Pirate Day? Did I miss it? I hope
not.
Love you all.
~Jer | | |
| Im back from Tennesee.
I got drunk, I drove a jet-ski, I went
tubing, I got slammed into the Tennessee River at a million miles per
hour, I hung out at indoor rainforests and cafe's by indoor waterfalls
at the Opryland Hotel,... and got drunk .... I had a blast.
Here is me being whipped around by my cousin Richard on the Tenn River....
Here is a pic of Me with Nathalie's dog, Pai:
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| Jer is in Tennessee. Talk to y'all later.
Try not to burn down the internet or anything.
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